There's No Way This Could Work
by Caius
Summary: An Okage: Shadow King / Boku to Mao songfic using Bad Religion's "I Want to Conquer the World". Stan tries a different means with which to conquer the world..


Just for clarification, the song used here is from Bad Religion. I didn't make it up, y0. Like that wasn't obvious :P

---

Stan stood offstage, listening to Linda's crooning. Rolling his eyes, Stan turned to James, who stood beside him.

"Why, exactly, am I doing this again?" he growled, gripping a headset microphone tightly in his hand and narrowing his eyes. The ghost in a tux looked up, and lifted a hand, gesturing to the stage.

"See the effect Linda's singing has on them now? My dark master, recall how her magick controlled the townspeople of Madril." James paused, letting a roar from the crowd fill the silence. "If you, sir, can hit them with powerful words and magick at the same time, surely you could control the whole world and in one fell swoop…"

An evil grin spread across Stan's face. "…They will all be mine." He nodded. "This _is_ good after all. …Whose idea was it, again?"

A puzzled expression appeared on James's ghostly face. "Err... I don't entirely remember." The music and singing on the stage stopped then, and Linda cheerfully yelled something through her microphone to the crowd.

James looked up at Stan, who was grudgingly putting on the headset. " 'Guest artist', sir, that's _you_!!" The butler gave a perky clap of his hands as Stan strode onto the stage.

---

If this idea _didn't_ work, Stan would most assuredly have someone's head. Here he was, standing on the center of the stage while that fool Linda girl was introducing him (Not as the Great Evil King; there had been a heated debate on that subject), and he was about to _sing_ to this great mass of lower-class humans. The part of this he really did like was the song, whose lyrics he had memorized but not taken in, which was called "I Want To Conquer The World."

"…So let's all give him a **big** hand, okay?!" Linda finished, smiling. She held her microphone and still clapped for him, and the audience did, too. Then, Linda backed offstage and stood, and finally gave Stan a thumbs-up, the signal to begin.

---

Rosalyn was standing with Ari and Marlene as Linda finished. The song hadn't been that good, but the concert itself was enjoyable. Marlene especially seemed to be having fun.

Then the guest singer was introduced.

The Hero's jaw had practically dropped to the floor. It was _Stan!!_ She'd know him anywhere! Instantly she was running, running toward the stage, leaving Ari and Marlene without an explanation and nothing but confused stares.

As she skidded to a halt in front the entrance backstage and opened the door, she collided with Big Bull. He gave a small smile to her, but fully blocked her way.

"Bull! Let me through! That's… Stan's out there!! Who _knows_ what he's going to try… It probably won't work…but…I've gotta stop him anyhow!" Rosalyn shouted, grabbing her rapier and holding it up. She let her parasol down a bit, and her pink shadow was partially revealed. Her attention, however, was not on this, but the former Evil King before her.

The bull laughed quietly. "Sorry, Sister, but I've got orders. Working 'bouncer' duty tonight, see. Only performers are allowed backstage." He crossed his arms, still wearing his normal, spooky grin.

Rosalyn was just to try a different approach when music started blaring on maximum volume. There a great roar from the crowd, and she swore. She _had_ to find another way in…

---

Stan stood there (the Great Evil King will not _dance_, he told himself), and listened to the music. It was decent; loud and catchy, not whiny and bubbly like Linda's songs. The mob of spectators waited expectantly, and some were even shuffling their pathetic forms in rhythm. Finally, the time for the singing to start arrived. 

"_Hey Brother Christian with your high and mighty errand,_  
  
  


"_Your actions speak so loud, I can't hear a word you're saying._

"_Hey Sister Bleeding Heart with all of your compassion,_  
  
  


"_Your labors soothe the hurt but can't assuage temptation._

"_Hey man of science with your perfect rules of measure,_  
  
  


"_Can you improve this place with the data that you gather?"_ (Stan thought of Kisling for a moment at this point.)

"_Hey Mother Mercy can your loins bear fruit forever?  
  
  
_

"_Is your fecundity a trammel or a treasure?_

Stan leapt up to the front of the stage, pumping his control and influence into the words as surely as the music was pumping through his and the crowds veins. With a blast of malevolent laughter he let fly the next line of lyrics:

"_AND I WANT TO CONQUER THE WORLD!!_

"_Give all the **idiots** a brand new religion,"_ he sang, grinning as the words echoed through the arena and he stressed the 'idiots' part.

"_Put an end to poverty, uncleanliness and toil…"_ Stan paused a split second. Those words…they were a _good_ proclamation, something a _Hero_ would say! That couldn't be right… But it was too late to back out now, lest he lose this chance.

"_Promote equality in all my decisions,_  
  
  


"_With a quick wink of the eye,_  
  
  


"_And a—_**God, you must be joking!**" he cursed aloud as the lyrics sunk in. Luckily, though, that was actually part of the song.

Jumping up and landing nearer to the edge of the platform, chanting the words as if they were a mystic incantation, he forgot about the strangeness of the last group and continued.

"_Hey Mr. Diplomat with your worldly aspirations!_  
  
  


"_Did you see the children cry when you left them at the station?_

"_Hey moral soldier you've got righteous proclamation,_  
  
  


"_And precious tomes to fuel your pulpy conflagrations!_

"_AND I WANT TO **CONQUER** THE **WORLD**!"_ The words echoed so loudly and vibrantly, and Stan heard that the audience was singing along too. (The lyrics for each song appeared on in case anyone wanted to follow.) He laughed, grinned, and struck a pose for the hypnotized mass.

"_Give all the idiots a brand new religion!_  
  
  


"_Put an end to poverty, uncleanliness and toil!!_  
  
  


"_Promote equality in all of my decisions!!!" _At this one, he wove his hand and clenched it, and great din of a clamor repeated each line. 'The Wave' sped back and forth; hands flung up and fell back down, only to go up again moments later.

"_I WANT TO CONQUER THE WORLD!_

"_Expose the culprits and feed them to the children!_

"_I'll do away with air pollution and then… all save the whales!_

"_We'll have **peace** on earth and global **communion**!!_

"_I want to conquer the world!!!!!!_"

He repeated that line a few more times, and then threw up his own hands. At that time, he might have gone deaf with the incredible screams of approval and his above-human hearing combined, but Stan didn't give a fig.

They were all _his_.


End file.
